Blogs are Blasphemy

The best songs of Sweeney Todd

2008-01-14T17:35:00.000-06:00

Well if any of you pay attention to crappy award shows that are announced in newsreel format, then you will know that Tim Burton's Sweeney Todd has recieved, several awards, for generally being the most awesome film ever. In other words everyone knows that Sweeney Todd is awesome, but what some nerds who like music may argue about, when they aren't jamming out to guitar hero (and consequently looking like dumbasses), are the songs in Sweeney Todd, particularly which are the best. Well luckily for all of you I Rabbit-man have personally catalogued all of them, and have come up with the four most awesomest songs from the movie. Why four, I don't know five felt too unoriginal I guess. Now you may be saying to yourself, "Wow I would surely pay at least $3.99 american to read what Rabbit-man thinks about stuff", but don't worry today friend, cuz I totally got your back this article is free to read (you will all pay later when you are enslaved, in my global peacekeeping task force. Wait I haven't talked about my plans to rule the world yet. Oh well you'll know what I'm talking about soon enough. teeheehee)

So in the great american tradition of arbitrarily applying numbers to things and putting them in a list in descending order, I present the best songs from Tim Burton's Sweeney Todd.

4. By the Sea:
It's hard to judge these songs on just sound, and lyrics, since they are all tied to the expert cinematography of the movie, and this song makes this list just because of the hilarious imagery presented throughout the song. Even though Johnny Depp doesn't even sing in this song he still makes it all the better with his sullen looks of despair.

3. Johanna reprise:
I believe this song comes towards the end of the movie, do not confuse this with the song at the beginning of the movie. I think if you were to describe any of the songs from sweeney todd the best word would have to be schizophrenic, and this one, and maybe epiphany are the most outlandishly schizophrenic songs in the movie. Great singing by Johnny Depp and that guy who kind of looks like Keira Knightley from a distance places this song firmly at number 3 on this list.

2. A little Priest:
"Not since Johnathan Swift's a modest proposal has the thought of eating people seemed so fun, and appetizing." There Tim Burton that quote ought to be on the back of the DVD cover. Wait I'm supposed to talk about the song, yes this is a great song, and I'm surprised that Johnny Depp, and Helena Bohnham Carter were able to pull off singing a song about eating people without going insane, or dying of laughter. In fact who wrote this song anyway Stephen Sondenheim or something, AMerican Idol should hire that guy to write songs for the contestants to sing, that would be amazing.

1. Epiphany:
When I first heard this song in the movie theater I couldn't stop smiling, it's so delightfully perverse, and insane that it's just great. This song in my opinion is the culmination of the entire movie, combining memorable lines from previous songs to create a memorable medley that had me in awe the whole time. But honestly this song had me at "We all deserve to die".

I may start updating this blog semi-regularly, I don't really know if anyone reads this crap, but if you do prepare. I will probably be writting about a bunch of Tim Burton movies, which probably makes me an honorary goth or something like that.

This happens to me all the time.

2006-08-05T17:49:00.000-06:00

2006 White House Correspondents' dinner

2006-04-29T22:50:00.000-06:00

Okay so who's bright idea was it to have Stephen Colbert host the 2006 White house correspondents's dinner. In my opinion it was a total disaster. Most of Colbert's jokes just completly fell flat, and whenever the camera panned to Bush he looked really pissed, or just really confused. I kept expecting to see a secret service agent snipe him off the stage. Now don't get me wrong, I really like colbert, I think his show is hilarious, but why he was chosen to host this dinner is beyond me. Oh well at least it was on MSNBC, not like anyone watches that channel anyway. The only time I laughed was when Colbert made that joke about John McCain being a maverick, and his joke about Mayor Ray Nagin. While we are on the Subject of that dumbass mayor of New Orleans let me show you a picture some dude made of him.

Now whatever you do, do not tell That Guy uhh about this picture he would be so pissed. So back to Ray Nagin, first he makes the chocolate city remark, and just recently after he gained a plurality in the New Orleans Mayoral election he publicly stated that he was surprised anyone voted for him. All this does is reaffirm my belief that being the mayor of a city means nothing, if a dumbass like him can be one.

Rabbit-man Manifesto Part VIII

2006-03-25T00:32:00.000-06:00

Today I was sorting through the massive amounts of feedback mail that I recieve everyday, and I relized something truly horrifying. None of the people who wrote me knew how to properly create a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. So without further ado I present:

Rabbit-man's School of Peanutbutter & Jelly Sandwhiching for complete idiots: In 29.5 easy steps

The first step is to collect your supplies. You will need crunchy peanut butter (smooth is for pansies), jelly, WHITE bread (no whole wheat you crazy hippies), and a KNIFE.
To get the supplies head over to the local grocery store with a friend. When you enter the store, grab all the items you need, and place a few other things in your friends hands. Now push him out of the door to the grocery. This should trigger the alarms, once the alarms are triggered the security should be too distracted with your friend to care about you, and you can escape with the supplies.
Now that you have assembled all of the supplies you will need to test the sharpness of the knife. First grab it and rub it against your neck. If your neck starts to bleed, then the knife is sharp.
Clean the knife
Now that you have the knife in your hand raise it above your head and chase the nearest person. Make sure you yell, "AGGHHHHH!!!!!", it's important.
After you finish chasing the other person grab a sledgehammer. Walk over to the peanut butter jar, and smash it, also smash the jelly after you smash the peanut butter. Then smash your left hand (you won't need it for the rest of the project).
Now take the peanutbutter and scrape it off the walls, and place it on the white bread that you got in step 2

You now have a peanutbutter and jelly sandwich aren't you special. Oh you think your so great don't you....Well idiot remember who told you that trick. YEAH your good friend RABBIT-MAN.

Rabbit-man, the man, the myth, the legend..

2006-03-11T20:43:00.000-06:00

Hello everyone, recently I stumbled upon some comic book covers that depicted me in my youth, when I was fighting Nazis. Marvel at my powers, I mean How many bloggers can say that they punched Hitler in the face. I'll tell you how many, 1.....ME RABBIT-MAN *insert heroic music*

Also this picture is for you young'uns who don't remember me in my Nazi fighting days.

So any way my point is I am so freaking awesome. I have a semi successful blog, and I have taken down two world tyrants/dictators. How can anyone dislike me Rabbit-man........RABBIT-MAN.....

Everyone take note, I Rabbit-man will be the Ruler of all Blogs.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!

Rabbit-man Sez volume 1

So I have been absolutely flooded with mail from readers recently, most of them saying how great I am, and how they quote me so people will think they are smart, and how charasmatic I am....I could go on and on, but don't worry, I will talk about how great I am in a future post, or maybe I won't. Yeah what are you gonna do about it punk.....yeah that's what I thought.

So where was I..oh yes the topic of the column...uhhhh. yes okay....I remember now, you see recently I recieved an e-mail from a reader that said...
"Hey Rabbit-man, you are so awesome, but whenever I tell people that I read blogs at school they say 'blogs are for loosers who have no friends'. Is this true Rabbit-man, do you have no friends?"-signed dumbass

Well Mr. Dumbass, let me answer your question.... Yes you have no friends, but do not fret, because I Rabbit-man will give you some of my friends. Yes I think I have 590 something friends on this blog, so feel free to take some, it's not like I'm using them anyway.....Wait....oh snap...I'm sorry Mr. Dumbass I misread your question....DID YOU JUST SAY THAT I DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS, WHAT THE F***. LET ME SEE IF I UNDERSTAND YOUR LOGIC, BECAUSE I SLAVE AWAY AT THE COMPUTER FOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES, EACH WEEK, THIS MEANS I HAVE NO FRIENDS. NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh man let me think for a minute here, I think I had a friend once, but then I realized I was too cool for them, yeah that's right, and after I defeated him in a steel cage texas death match, we weren't friends anymore. Anyway, I don't have time for friends. Look at this sample of how my time is divided out between other activities.

Cryptozoology-90%
Blog-3%
Insane ranting on the street-7%
Friends- 0%!!!!!

You can't be a successful cryptozoologist and have a whole, bunch of friends it's impossible!! No shut up, I said it is impossible DAMNIT!!!!The world is safer with Rabbit-man the Cryptozoologist, not Rabbit-man, the friend running around.
I hope I have answered your question Mr. Dumbass, and if I didn't, then too bad, because the column is over. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Rabbit-man Theme song of DOOM!!!

2006-02-27T19:58:00.000-06:00

She packed my bags last night pre-flight
Zero hour nine a.m.
And I’m gonna be high as a kite by then
I miss the earth so much I miss my wife
It’s lonely out in space
On such a timeless flight
And I think it’s gonna be a long long time
Till touch down brings me round again to find
I’m not the man they think I am at home
Oh no no no I’m a Rabbit-man
Rabbit-man burning out his fuse up here alone
Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids

In fact it’s cold as hell
And there’s no one there to raise them if you did
And all this science I don’t understand
It’s just my job five days a week
A Rabbit-man, a Rabbit-man
And I think it’s gonna be a long long time...

Reader Q+A

2006-02-18T19:55:00.000-06:00

All right one of the most common questions I get from my loyal readers is, "Rabbit-man, how do I create a homunculus?" Usually my answer to this question is why the hell do you want to make one, do you know all the stuff that you have to do, it's really really nasty, but today I have decided to tell you another way to create a homunculus. A way that does not involve putting semen into horse shit (seriously somebody did this), in fact it is a way that does not involve putting semen into anything (just about everyone who has made one has put it into something).

All right first you should go over to your local graveyard, wait actually I meant go to your local starbucks. Alright you're at the starbucks right? Okay good. Now stand on a box, and take off your shoes. Now yell "PRESIDENT BUSH IS THE BEST PRESIDENT EVEERRR"
Okay now head on over to the local KFC, when you are there order some chicken. Do you have the chicken all right cool. Now take the chicken and throw it into the cashiers face, and yell " I'M NOT EATING THIS CHICKEN, BECAUSE IT WAS TORTURED BEFORE IT DIED".
Did you do that? Wow good work. All right now run over to the local best buy. Go to the CD section, and grab as many CDs as you possibly can, and stick them into your pants. Now RUUUNNNNN for the door, if you make it out, good job, leave the cd's under the rock at the local park the one right across the street from the wal-mart. The rock with the black mark on it, leave em right there.
Now head over to the local chicken coop, and grab the fatest chicken you can find. Now take the chicken, and twist it's neck to the left, not the right, THE LEFT you idiot, god dangit the LEFT you stupid idiot, THE LEFT.
Now dance around with the chicken, for a little bit. And chant ARISE GREAT CHICKEN ARISE NOW.
The great chicken should arise, after you dance around for an hour or so. Now ask him to create a homunculus for you. Do not watch when he creates it, it will freak you out seriously, you do not want to see what it has to do. Did you read that stuff I wrote in that first paragraph? Yeah, it's like ten times worse than that seriously do not watch, or listen for that matter. After a little while you should have a homunculus.

A homunculus is a lot like a zombie, but it's stupider, and not quite as strong or durable for that matter, in fact why the heck do you want to make a homunculus anyway you freak, you should just make a zombie.

Zombiieess!!!

2006-02-15T18:22:00.000-06:00

Recently I have confronted my archenemy vicious Dreamer on the american red army blog. While we were discussing something, vicious dreamer claimed that an archbishop of the catholic church can become a zombie. I'll give you a second to contemplate this...

First off an archbishop cannot be made into a zombie. Do you have any idea on how much the church protects against this. They would not let any one of their members become zombies, maybe they would let one of those deacon guys become one , but other wise they won't. To get around the church's zombie safeguards a zombie priest would have to dance around with a dead chicken at least twice as long as normal. The total amount of time doing all of this could be spent taking over the world with a zombie army.

If I had a zombie army I would take over the world. You know how easy it is? Zombies are so stupid, you could make them do anything. If you are bored have your zombies fight each other, that is always fun to watch, or you could have them reenact your favorite movies. Why use a DVD player when you can have your army of zombies recreate your favorite battle scenes from the lord of the rings trilogy, in full 3D action.

See look at this zombies devouring helpless tourists. Why do they look so happy though? They should be scarred dammit. Do they know what horrors await them as zombie slaves? Guess not.

A NEW BATTLE

2006-02-04T15:27:00.000-06:00

Vicious dreamer has just posted the most malicious and vile attack ad against me on his blog. Now it is time friends, time to destroy Vicious Dreamer, and stop his mad campaign against me.

Vicious Dreamer you should listen to that wise man I've displayed in my picture. There is no safe place for you to hide. I can find you in your blog, or at the I HATE PORK blog, There will be no peace for you as long as my Rabbit-heart beats.

You think you are safe at your home. Well let me show you what happened to another enemy of mine Vicious Dreamer.

Do you think he survived?

Remember I am part Rabbit, and as such I can communicate with animals. You had better watch out. That cute little puppy across the street, that caged gorilla at the zoo, those adorable little ferrets in their seemingly secure cages, they are all after you now Vicious Dreamer.

YOU WILL PAY!!!!

WHAT THE F***

2006-02-03T19:54:00.000-06:00

Is this a new cryptid? What do you the common people think of the fearsome PAN-DOG.

Don't Panic Friends

2006-02-03T19:13:00.000-06:00

Recently I annexed a small portion of the I hate pork blog, and have joined forces with them. Do not worry about me. I did not give in to their crazy demands. I envision my role in their blog as a conservative counter to all the rampant radicalism that is running the place. Do not fear friends. I will be in control of the I love I hate pork section that will now be known as I really hate I HATE PORK.

Thank you

What the Heck

2006-02-01T22:27:00.000-06:00

I did not watch President Bush's state of the Union yesterday, but according to the Daily Show with Jon Stewart, Bush said something to the extent of "Human animal hybrids are really really bad"(not quoted verbatim). What the Heck. Apparently Bush has alligned himself with the I HATE PORKers against me.
Right now your probably thinking, "well rabbit-man has a good point, and he's so smart,and good looking, and really manly, and very strong, and he never asks for directions like a real man, but isn't he being kind of paranoid?"
My answer to you "No you stupid idiots NO, NO, NOOOOOOO."
You see Pres. Bush has recently filed several motions to monitor Google, Yahoo, and MSN internet searches. He says it is to sort out people searching for internet pornography, but I know better. He is spying on me, Rabbit-Man through the internets.
Somehow those I HATE PORKers have convinced Pres. Bush to join forces with them against me. Yes yes its all true. Why else would he say "Human animal hybrids are really really bad"(not quoted verbatim)? He has obviously been listening to Vicious Dreamers rants about me. All that I have to say is this, "Pres. Bush I have been a loyal subject, and I'm not a terrorist like those I HATE PORKers, why do you have to speak against me? As a half human half rabbit super being I have no control over how I came into being, so why do you forsake me?"

Do any of you the common people disagree/agree with me ? Feel free to drop a dime in my awesome post section.

Vicious Dreamer Man or Pig-hating Devil man

2006-01-31T20:59:00.000-06:00

I have been sitting on this story for quite some time now, but I have decided to reveal it, because you, the reading public, need to know.
As anyone who follows my blog religiously may know I have recently made enemies with an insane cult of vegetarian-terrorists, known as the I HATE PORKers, and for quite some time I have been trying to warn the public about the I HATE PORKers, and their nefarious ways. You people may have also paid attention to my various intellectual battles with the man known as Vicious Dreamer, who thinks he is a greater cryptozoologist than me. I'll just let the shock of that sink in..........
Anyways Vicous dreamer constantly mentions his "team of cryptozoologists", and I was never able to figure out who they were until now. You see, vicious dreamer is an I HATE PORKer, and they are part of his Cryptozoology team.
Now it all makes sense. The I HATE PORKers knew that I was on to them, and they sent their mindless, brainwashed pawn vicious dreamer to my blog, to destroy my credibility, and after several epic debates Vicious Dreamer almost did just that.
Anyway my point is the I HATE PORKers will do anything to stop their enemies, even blow stuff up, and I for one will be paying careful attention to any ticking noises I hear from now on. This message has to get out the I HATE PORKers are trying to take over the world, and you might be next.

Rabbit-man cares about minorities

2006-01-29T16:33:00.000-06:00

Now I know what you all may think, "Rabbit-man is too busy saving the world and recording his adventures in his blog to care about us little people." Well all you people are wrong I rabbit-man care about minorities on every Sunday and Thursday. So who will I chronicle today? What small unappreciated minority will I inspire everyone to care about today?
I'll give you all a minute to contemplate..............
Today I, Rabbit-Man will acknowledge the Vegetarians.
The vegetarians seem to be a misunderstood people. I myself used to think they were crazy until I visited the I Hate pork blog. While I may not agree with their terrorist leanings (why must you show pictures of your group blowing up stuff in the mountains), I do agree with their message, as my blogging colleague Vicious Dreamer said, "pork can clog arteries, and I wish I was half as smart and talented as the amazing rabbit man" Wow vicious dreamer I didn't know you thought I was so great, but remember it's Rabbit-man not Rabbit man that dash makes a difference. So in conclusion every one please visit the I hate Pork blog. To do so just click on Francisco Bolivar I think he commented somewhere on this page.

Time to Set Things Straight

2006-01-28T23:54:00.000-06:00

People have been debating me on whether chupacabras suck goat blood. Some people have suggested it was an insane vampire, or the Goatman and the magical frog.
Well here are some thoughts on those horribly wrong ideas, and why my theory withstands the tests of time and logic
1.The Goatman would never resort to cannabalism
2.What would the magical frog use to suck the blood with huh huh huh
3.The chupacabras lives in Puerto Rico where it sucks the blood of goats. The Goatman lives in Washington D.C. how does he get to Puerto Rico huh huh does he swim there.
4.People have actually seen the Chupacabras unlike this magical frog or Vampires
5. Science has proven that magical frogs hate the tropical conditions of Puerto Rico, and that the Goatman prefers colder climates even though he commutes to Texas every now and then.
6.Vampires do not eat animals they eat people that's why they are vampires

Fullmetal alchemist Ep. 44

2006-01-28T23:45:00.000-06:00

This might be kind of a spoiler if you haven't seen this episode
Plot summary from Tv.com
"Hohenhiem of Light", an alchemist of extraordinary talent, returns to Risembool after an absence of more then ten years. His appearance infuriates Ed, who wants nothing to do with him. However, Hohenhiem reveals to Mustang and Al the secrets of the Homunuculi. Meanwhile, the leader of the Homunculus has gathered them together to join in the hunt for the Elrics. "

Pretty good episode a little slow in the beggining and a little too much commedy for my taste, but still good for an anime. I'd give it about a B+
Pro-Really good cliffhanger, some secrets revealed, More stuff about the dad been waiting 42 episodes for that
Cons-first part of show, not funny comedy, I want to see more

let the people speak

2006-01-28T18:18:00.000-06:00

One thing I have noticed about blogs is that in order to be popular you must make enemies. As of this posting my profile has a total of 18 views. So in order to broaden my horizons I shall say that I hate everything about the Animal planet channel hAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahaha............ So now people come here and debate me I have created controversy let the page views increase. Can you begin a sentence with so?

Why fma is better than Evangelion (Now without logic

2006-01-27T21:45:00.000-06:00

So I was surfing the internets the other day when I see some punk who made an Evangelion page on blog spot. I kind of like Evangelion so I click on it, and what do I find A BUNCH OF PICTURES come on why just put up a bunch of pictures it makes no sense, if I wanted to see Evangelion pictures I would go to google images and type in Neon Genesis Evangelion. Come on man write something about it GEEZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Huh oh yeah so my point is why did underworld revolution do so well at the box office anyway.